Family found safe and well after spending 4 years lost in Ikea

A family of four has been found after having been presumed dead in a huge Ikea store in east Manchester, four years after they were reported missing by relatives.

The Kennedy’s have survived the past four years on Swedish meatballs, worryingly cheap hotdogs and building flimsy furniture for a hobby.

Lived off loganberry jam and goat's testicles for 4 years

So far removed from reality they have become, the Kennedy’s communicate to each other in Ikish (a hybrid of Swedish and Ikea marketing words), and jabbing points of the finger.

It was supposed to be a routine trip to buy some bits of furniture they didn’t really need for the Kennedy’s back on a bright, autumnal Sunday back in 2007, but matters took a turn for the worse when George, the father of Harriett and John, got lost between departments.

Speaking through an interpreter, George told us, “We had found the chest of drawers we needed but then remembered as we reached the children’s section that we had forgotten to write down the number… so we decided to turn back.

“We cut back through kitchen and into bedding, but we then ended back in the children’s section.

“I asked an assistant for directions and they told us a short-cut between departments, and that’s when we really got lost.

“By the time the store closed that evening, we were delirious, trapped halfway between office furniture and wardrobes.

“We spent the first evening sleeping in a kitchen – a red FAKTUM/STAT. We would have gladly slept in one of their comfy beds but we got lost trying to find them.”

George is mentally scarred from the awful things he has witnessed as day after day he would desperately try to find a way out for his family.

“We weren’t the only ones lost there.  We saw an elderly couple who had only popped in to have lunch at the café beat each other to death with a Knubbig (a small table lamp – £14.99).”

The months rolled into years and sad routine developed whereby each day the father would try to work out a rough map to plot their escape whilst the mother would school and feed their children.

“The kids aren’t British anymore.  They can only read and write in Ikish, but I’m glad they got to see the sun again, although the sun can’t be dimmed like an Årstid lamp – £30.99.” Helena, wife of George, told us.

Breakthrough came last week when George and his son John went to search for supplies of small wooden pencils which they were using to construct defensive weapons when they stumbled across the lobby for the main entrance – right at the top of the building.

Within eight minutes, the family of four from Bury were free – although John did crash his car on the exit ramp because he’d forgotten how to drive.

“When that sunlight hit my face… I just had a massive fit.”

After the interview had finished, Harriett – the little girl, aged maybe about 7, turned to me and said, “Jokkmokk!”  I still have no idea what she meant by that, but I presume she meant ‘Hope lies within’, or ‘Buy Jokkmokk Table and Chairs – only £89!”