richard david lawman
Click on a title to read a sample scene from that script.
The Unfortunate 12
Set in the modern day, the 12 Apostles have been sent down with Jesus for the second coming but are devastated to find they will carry out the final judgment of all humanity by sifting through billions of files at a secluded farmhouse in north Britain.
SCENE 2. EXT. SECLUDED FARMHOUSE. A FEW HOURS
ESTABLISHING SHOT: EXTERNAL WIDE SHOT of farmhouse in the
moors. Dusk has settled, and we hear the distant noise of
INT. FARMHOUSE LIVING ROOM. CONT.
Round the dining room table, the Apostles are gathered
with JESUS. In an exact copy of Leonardo Da Vinci’s ’The
Last Supper’, the Apostles are positioned from left to
right: BARTHOLOMEW, JAMIE, ANDREW, an empty seat where
JUDAS would be, PETER, JESUS, JOHN, THOMAS, JAMES,
PHILLIP, MATTHEW, THADDEUS and SIMON THE ZEALOT.
My children, my Apostles, we eat
for what will be the last
time. It’s been 2000 years since
you were last flesh. You will
join me in what will be the
greatest event in the history of
A mobile phone starts ringing.
No mobile phones!
(REGAINING HIS COMPOSURE)
- it will be the greatest moment
in the history of mankind.
A mobile phone beeps. PETER looks over his shoulder and
glares. MATTHEW is putting his phone away.
Sorry, I was turning it off.
Just as we did 2000 years ago,
(JESUS LIFTS UP A POPPADOM)
This is my body -
Err, no, that’s my Poppadom.
John, for God’s sake!
Sorry, Lord, I think it might
work better with a naan.
JESUS sighs as PETER grabs a naan.
Don’t take that one, dude, it’s
Oooh garlic and coriander Christ,
Happy now Bart?
(HANDING THE NAAN TO JESUS)
(TAKING THE NAAN)
This is my body, to be shared
amongst you -
I don’t like garlic and
coriander, can I have peshwari
No, the point is this is not a
Erm... it is.
No, it’s my body. Do none of you
remember the last supper?
We were pretty hammered, Lord.
Wait. How are you turning that
naan into your body?
It’s obviously a trick where he
pulls out a dummy naan that is
actually his flesh.
It’s not a trick! It’s called
transubstantiation. Have any of
you even heard of that?
Isn’t that a rare b-side from The
Take this and eat it, and do this
in memory of me.
JESUS tears the naan in two, handing each side a half and
they all pass it along, tearing bits off. By the time it
has got to SIMON THE ZEALOT, he only has a tiny bit.
SIMON THE ZEALOT
James, you tit! You well didn’t
share that evenly!
What are you doing?
BART is putting chutney on his piece of naan.
What? Bit of chutney never hurt
(LOOKING AT HIS WATCH,
Ok. This is my blood -
Sorry to be a stickler, but
It doesn’t matter what it is!
Can I have orange juice as I’m
Fine. Take this and drink it, you
know the rest.
I’m going to bed.
(STOPPING AT THE DOOR)
Don’t stay up too late
tonight. You won’t want to miss
tomorrow’s big event.
SIMON THE ZEALOT
What time is it going to be, JC?
Whenever the Four Horsemen arrive
tomorrow. Early afternoon
They’re coming from Kent.
Oh, and to make sure we don’t
have any mishaps.
JESUS waves his hands over the wine bottles. The Apostles
stare at him with confusion.
(DRINKS HIS WINE)
He’s turned the wine into water!
You can’t do that!
I don’t want you getting hammered
like Maundy Thursday.
When was Maundy Thursday?
The night before I was
crucified... and saved the world.
(ANNOYED) It was then.
(TO THEM ALL)
Try and get an early night.
JESUS exits the dining room.
Various Apostles sip their drink with disgusted faces.
Who does he think he is?
Hope Street Gang
The Hope Street Gang are the worst gang ever. Aiming to take control of their northern council estate and earn respect from the locals, Alex - our fiesty, witty leader - struggles to marshal the self-fantasising hard man Tommo and the chilishly idiotic Sadiq.
SCENE 1. EXT. LOCATION. BACK ALLEY, COUNCIL ESTATE. LATE
The Hope Street Gang swaggers down a back alley. They are the leader ALEX – a girl, small, a look of Nikita but dressed as a scally, TOMMO - a fat lad who sees himself as the hard man of the group and bouncing giddily behind them is SADIQ – a skinny Asian lad who looks like he still wets the bed from time to time.
The three reach a set of bollards when an older lad steps out and confronts them. There is a familiar coolishness to the confrontation, but nevertheless, STEVE takes control.
(STOPPING IN FRONT OF ALEX)
You got a cig, love?
Nah, sorry pal I aint got out on
TOMMO and SADIQ, who are stood behind ALEX, turn and run
back up the alley, leaving ALEX on her own.
Oh for fuck’s sake! CHEERS GUYS!
STEVE suddenly slams ALEX to the wall with his forearm:
Phone and wallet now!
I aint got out, ’av I?
Gis yer phone and wallet!
Why me? What about those two?
Those two looked like losers - I
know you’d have something on you
STEVE starts rifling through ALEX’S pockets.
Where’s your phone?
I haven’t got one.
You haven’t got a phone?
How old are you?
And you haven’t got a phone?
I don’t believe in them.
You don’t believe in them? What
the fuck does that mean?
I prefer email.
SADIQ returns looking sheepish.
Alex, can I borrow your phone?
(A FLICKER OF IRRITATION, BUT
I haven’t got a phone, Sadiq, mate
- you know that.
STEVE watches ALEX carefully.
What d’yer mean? Course you’ve got
No I fucking haven’t!
You have! You keep it hidden in
your sock. Please, Alex, I’ll pay
you for the credit but I’m gonna
get well done if I’m late for my
STEVE finds ALEX’S phone tucked in his sock, ALEX looks
ready to lynch SADIQ.
I’m gonna kill you, Sadiq.
STEVE makes off, laughing.
Why didn’t you hit him when you
I didn’t have anything to hit him
What about your fucking fists?!
Why didn’t you hit him?
(TRYING TO IGNORE SADIQ’S
He would’ve well seen it coming!
And where the frig is Tommo?
He’s gone to get his crossbow.
Seriously? He’s walking all the
way home to get his
crossbow? He’ll have fucking sold
my mobile by the time that fat
bastard gets here!
TOMMO staggers round the corner looking exhausted and out of
Awwwwww – Robin Hood! Nick of time, mate.
Brassic is a gang sitcom about 4 friends who lose their high-flying jobs overnight and find themselves thrust into the rough-end of the "real world".
7 INT. DINGY BASEMENT BEDSIT. AFTERNOON. 7
The scruffy ESTATE AGENT leads the gang into an awful,
dingy room. He claws at a worryingly brown drawstring
light switch. A dim, yellow bulb flickers on.
Oh God what’s that smell?
Depending on which way the wind
is blowing it’s the abattoir or
the brothel. Smells like it’s
REVEAL: a tiny, awful bedsit with bare floorboards, a pile
of rubbish in the corner and a settee that looks like it’s
a breeding ground of every virus on the planet.
JOANNA steps gingerly towards the tiny box kitchen.
Ah! Don’t step there. The
floorboards are very weak. And I
can’t afford to have another
client die on me this week, I’ve
almost used up my monthly quota
with Bob the magic undertaker.
But I thought you said this was
the basement? What’s beneath
Yeah and didn’t the advert say
this had a charming Victorian
feature? So what is it? The mold
on the wall?
Ah! I almost forgot.
ESTATE AGENT pulls a string chord secreted in one of the
floorboards and opens a trapdoor.
Victorian sewer. Over a hundred
and twenty years old.
Close it! Oh God! Close it!
No! Leave it open! It’s covering
up the smell of the abattoir and
So whose room is this?
This is it, Rupert. This is what
a bedsit is.
Is crime a problem in the area?
Oh no. Crime is flourishing here.
Why, what type of criminal are
(THROUGH GRITTED TEETH)
I haven’t decided yet. But I’m
considering becoming a murderer.
You know, you’d make a great
I say. This is marvellous. I love
the green, furry features in the
RUPERT spots a chalk outline of a body on the floorboards,
the ESTATE AGENT squirms uneasily.
Oooh. Is this art from the local
Er, yes I believe it is.
SCOTT, BILL and JOANNA stare at the chalk outline for some
time - stunned.
Keep this spike by the door at
night just in case.
Oh don’t worry. We don’t have
anything to steal. We’re broke.
You have organs, though, don’t
Yeah. There’s this guy going
round and stealing people’s
organs whilst they sleep. They
call him the Organist. (LAUGHS
SCOTT, JOANNA and BILL step closer to one another.
Fascinating. Pipe or reed?
(STEPPING IN FRONT OF
How much is it?
£200 per month.
Can you do it for any less?
Well that depends on whether you
see this as "art" or not?
ESTATE AGENT nods down to the chalk outline on the
floor. After a quick glance to one another, SCOTT, BILL
and JOANNA reply with "yeah", "of course", in agreement.
Great. Call it a hundred a month.
And I’ll throw you in a chicken
as part of the deal.
A chicken a month?
No. Just one chicken.
A Kick in the Balls
A Kick in the Balls is a comedy-drama I scripted about an aspiring poet who finds a lump on his ball.
INT. GP’S WAITING ROOM. NEXT AFTERNOON.
DAVID sits in the waiting room.
So here I am,
But which one is me?
Sweat fills the air,
A nervous expectancy,
I’m not the one with bad skin,
Or the on who thinks he might be a
Nor the one hyperventilating in the
Nah- I’m the one with a lump on my
David Thomas to room 4, please.
DAVID exits the waiting room.
INT. CORRIDOR. CONT.
DAVID walks towards room 4.
I could’ve been anyone,
But I’ve got to be me,
And now I have to get my balls out,
In front of a...
DAVID knocks and opens room 4, a beautiful female GP smiles
(TO CAM, CONT.)
Hi David. Come in and take a seat.
INT. GP’S ROOM. CONT.
DAVID nervously takes a seat on the chair.
I hope you don’t mind, but I have a
student here on placement. Would it
be ok if they sat in?
TAMIL, a young, also incredibly beautiful woman enters and
sits next to DOCTOR RONE.
So, what can I do for you?
I’ve got this cough.
Are you coughing up any blood? Is
Ok... then I’d suggest plenty of
water and rest.
DAVID gets up to leave.
Did you just come to see me about a
cough? Or is there anything else?
DAVID stops, looks at camera, sighs.
I... er... found a lump... on my
Ok... and where did you find it
Erm. At first, my room and then the
kitchen with my friends.
DOCTOR RONE and TAMIL seem taken aback.
No! I mean, on the side. Sort of
And is it hard?
Yeah. Sort of small but, yeah,
Ok... I’m going to have to take a
look if that’s ok? So if you could
just go behind that curtain there
and get yourself ready.
DAVID, increasingly nervous, complies and pulls the curtain
across and begins un-doing his trousers.
DOCTOR RONE (O.O.V)
David, as I’m not a fully certified
GP yet, I will need to have one of
my colleagues also check you as
well. Is that ok?
DOCTOR RONE (O.O.V)
Great. I’ll just go and see if I
can find one available. I’ll be
back in a second.
DOCTOR RONE pulls the curtain back slightly to reveal that
DOCTOR SWALLOW is also an incredibly attractive woman.
David. Hi. I also have a student on
their placement. Is that ok?
Sure. (STUTTERING WITH NERVES)
Learni(GULPS) - learning is good.
DOCTOR SWALLOW is joined by another young, very attractive
female student doctor.
DOCTOR RONE begins an inspection of his testicles, DOCTOR
SWALLOW takes over:
Hmmm. It appears to be in the body
Yes, it’s small,
Yes, very small.
Which is good.
DAVID appears increasingly embarrassed.
Tamil, would you like to have a
TAMIL takes over, DAVID holds his breath and stares at the
other side of the room - searching for something to distract
Yes. It’s small and hard.
He finds something to focus on but immediately regrets it: a
mirror which reflects the image of the four women bent over
near his crotch.
Oh geeze -
Does that hurt?
No, no. Fine carry on...
Strangers From Above
SCENE 3. INT. TREVOR’S HOUSE. NEXT MORNING.
F/X: SOUND OF A POWER DRILL BRIEFLY
TREVOR: Ok Adrian, I’m gonna crack this open and if something suddenly jumps out and starts eating me, smash it with your invisible laser sword. Ok?
ADRIAN: Trevor… I can’t find my invisible laser sword.
TREVOR: Well where did you last leave it?
ADRIAN: Right here, on the sideboard. And now it’s… gone!
TREVOR: Mojolloka! We can ring Mike Edgbaston later to see if he’s got any spares. For now we’ll just have to take our chances. Stand back, Adrian.
F/X: POWER DRILL STRUGGLES AND CUTS OUT
TREVOR: Damn. Barely made a scratch. This thing must be Cassiopean Crystal Steel at the very least! It shut down my drill automatically -
ADRIAN: It must be… (WHISPERS DRAMATICALLY) intelligent!
TREVOR: There’s got to be some way to out-think it. If I can crack this open, I’ll have finally done it, Adrian. I’ll finally be able to show the world that I was right and they were wrong – that there really is extra-terrestrial life, and it’s (SCREAMS) Oww! Geeze!
ADRIAN: What is it? Did it shock you?
TREVOR: No. Stood on the bloody plug for the drill. Damn – this thing must be super-intelligent! Not only did it cut out the drill, it ejected the plug from the wall as well.
ADRIAN: I don’t like this, Trevor.
F/X: DOOR OPENS
TREVOR: Oh, son! You’ll never believe it!
JIM: Nope, thanks to my college education and ability to think logically, I probably won’t. Go on…
TREVOR: Something just… wonderful has happened!
JIM: Let me guess: you’ve found the reset-button for your personality?
TREVOR: Proof! I found proof! Look!
JIM: Erm… Trevor… (CLEARS THROAT) it’s a thermos flask.
TREVOR: No, silly. It’s an alien device of some sort. It fell from a UFO last night. Me and Adrian have been trying to crack it open but it’s obviously got some sort of special protection.
JIM: Erm… no… it’s still a thermos flask. Here.
F/X: UNSCREWS LID
TREVOR: Oh. Well how do you explain these mysterious alien hieroglyphics?
JIM: It’s Chinese.
TREVOR: Son, I’ve been a paranormal investigator for longer than you… and trust me – this is something big!
JIM: No it isn’t! It’s a one litre flask! Of…
F/X: UNSCREWS CAP, POURS LIQUID
JIM: (CONT.) Yep, tea.
TREVOR: Careful, son! It could be a secret alien elixir. One drop could turn you inside-out!
JIM: You know, I think it might be two to three years since you actually said anything logical. THIS IS NOT AN ALIEN POISON!
ADRIAN: It fell from the sky! From a UFO! Look at it – no marks, scratches or dints. How can that be Mr A-level in Physics?
JIM: And did you happen to photograph this flask-carrying UFO?
TREVOR: Adrian dropped the camera.
ADRIAN: My hands were soaked in Trevor’s urine!
JIM: Ok… sliding the slightly worrying reference to Trevor’s urine to one side… yet again, Trevs, you’re thwarted by your own incompetence. I’d love to stay here and watch your overly-fertile imagination run amok, but I’m off to meet Sophie for lunch. She’s travelling back down from Scotland and has asked to meet in person… finally!
TREVOR: Sophie? Who’s Sophie?
JIM: My girlfriend. Remember?
TREVOR: Oooh yes! Of course, your mating partner! I’m so proud that there’ll be a continuation of my bloodline. A word of advice, the withdrawal method doesn’t work. And neither does a crisp packet. You’re the proof.
JIM: Pass me the flask, Adrian, I’m gonna pour that tea down my ears and hope to God you’re right about it being corrosive acid.
ADRIAN: Hmmm, something smells fishy.
JIM: Have you considered washing?
ADRIAN: This “Sophie”, you’ve never actually seen her have you? How do you know she’s even a girl? She could be a man! Or a goat!
JIM: For my own sanity, I’m leaving this conversation now. My only request is this: please, please, please come nowhere near myself and Sophie. Ok?
F/X: DOOR CLOSES AS JIM EXITS
TREVOR: Adrian – starting looking up alien-chinese relations. See if there’s anything in what Jim was saying about a conspiracy. I’ll start analysing the liquid – we need to act fast, Adrian, we have no idea what this could possibly be…
F/X: JIM RE-ENTERS
JIM: Forgot my keys. Oh, and that’s still a flask of tea.
F/X: JIM EXITS, DOOR CLOSES
© Richard David Lawman 2016